SPEDREX

Requiem for Roger Clemens

2008-02-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

Roger Clemens, the latest victim of the Inquisition of Public Opinion.

Roger Clemens, the latest victim of the mass-murderer known as mass-media.

Roger Clemens, the latest victim of an athlete's hubris gone horribly awry.

Let me say first that I have hated and will in the future hate Roger Clemens simply because I don't like the guy, and when I was a kid he threw a piece of a bat at my favorite player and then said he thought it was the ball. But I digress.

Roger Clemens probably made a few mistakes in the past. As someone who really does not give a damn if an athlete wants to destroy their body in the name of records, stats, athletic greatness, it's hard for me to condemn him for what he may have done in the past. I do think it is interesting that the best hitter of all-time and arguably the best pitcher of all-time were both roided out of their gourds; take that lesson to heart, kids.

But the mistakes Roger may or may not have made in the past will be judged, at the appropriate time at the appropriate place. Which gets me to my first point: the so-called "court" of public opinion.

Now, I understand that people simply are going to form opinions about what goes on in the public around them, be it opinions about politics, sports, entertainment, religion, etc. Look at what I'm doing right here. The problem is that public opinion has gone too far. Our collective opinions no longer form a court but an inquisition. Go on any sports blog or message board and look at all the messages written by people about these athletes. The mass condemns them; the few say hold judgement. It's funny; the mass, throughout history, has always been the quickest to condemn, and then in turn the quickest to make bad choices.

Once again, I'm not saying I think that these men are innocent. The simple physical changes in their bodies and freak productino during years that are normally declines for most players would point at some illicit help from steroids. But I don't know for sure. So I withhold my opinion.

The inquisition of public opinion was probably originally a court, where Joe and Bob and Ray and Martin and Jane and Julio came to shoot the shit and discuss the a-doin's that were a -goin' on in this here spaceship earth. But then came a power so great and terrible, it transformed us all. In particular, it gave us, the audience, a power and a voice we never had before. Our musings became blasted through the world over blogs, cell phones, streaming video, and so on. As the technology grew, this dark power grew more and more out of control, as we grew drunker and lazier within its warm embrace....yes, I speak of the media.

Mass-media! Isn't it sweet? I know I always wanted to know what songs Allen Iverson sang while taking a shower! Now, thanks to 24/7 media coverage, video blogs, and all that other crap, I can find out. YAYYYY! Hey, I wonder what no-name 12th man Paul Shirley thinks about the war in Iraq*? Ooops, no I don't!

(*Paul Shirley's blog is actually quite fascinating, extremely well written, very witty, and controversial. A sitcom is also being produced about his life.)

Where was I? Oh year, the media. Paul Shirley and his great blog notwithstanding, the constant coverage of everything is out of control. Just like at that poor little skank who used to be married to Kevin Federline. Think she'd benefit from a little less exposure? I think so.

Everything is an issue now, because of this format. When you constantly have to report, well, you need to constantly find shit to report on. That's why adultery was a non-starter in the sixties but stops the presses now. The media made it an issue. The morals and values crowd was around in the sixties. The media (namely Falwell) just hadn't made them a force yet.

Which of course, brings us to the key point in all this; the public, the media, they are both out of control. But they have been feeding, for years now, the most ravenous, greedy monster of them all: the ego of the average star athlete. For those of you who think "average star athlete" is an oxymoron, what I mean to convey is if Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Barry Sanders, LT (the linebacker), LT (the running back), LeBron, Pele, Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, Wayne Gretsky, and 100 other star athletes were all in the same room talking, that would be the average star athlete, okay? Anyways, most of these guys have giant egos. Michael Strahan? Giant ego. Tiki Barber? Giant ego. Want some real superstarts? Terrell Owens. Randy Moss. Shaquille O'Neil. There isn't even a word to describe Shaq's ego, except maybe Shaq-tastic!

The point is, these guys have been brought up to think they're special, and physically speaking, they are. But they get to be arrogant, and start to thining that they can't be touched. They start thinking they are above the law, that the rules don't apply to them. And that is when you find yourself in front of Tom Davis, having to forcefully deny all the accusations against you, hoping that your stats and numbers, your precious reputation, will save you in the inquisition of public opinion.

The Grammys, how I hate thee

2008-02-11T07:56:00.000-08:00

You know, I said that I'd deliver news. Well this is news. Entertainment news yes, but I feel that it is germane to society, so I must speak on the matter.

You see, I used to really like the awards shows. The glitz, the glamour, the gullible "artists" who blissfully proclaim the merits of scientology and other cults on national tv; it truly seemed grand to me.

Then I got older, and all I saw was a big, grotesque spectacle involving extremely annoying people giving each other awards. Basically, this is rich people glorifying themselves.

Now, I'm all for awards, but do we really need to know who is the best sound editor on the block?

More importantly, these people, these pop-stars, oops, I mean artists, are constantly glorifying themselves. Just listen to any rap song; they sing about how awesome their life is and how they make absurd amounts of money. On top of that, I've started to get the feeling, and I think other people have as well, that the Grammys, in particular, have just gotten too homogenous. I can't help but notice the similarities between Norah Jones, an interesting young woman with a neat voice, neat sound, and neat look that all remind our parents how awesome the fifties were, and the woman with the same m.o. who dominated the Grammys last night, Amy Winehouse.

Now, Amy Winehouse has a slightly different style/look/attitude from Miss Jones, but it's the same chick. Don't we all see that? Neither of these women, in my opinion, is a great talent. I simply don't get what it is about this type of artist that captures peoples attention and garners such praise and acclaim. And that brings me to the crux of my article, here; is Amy Winehouse the talent the Grammys really should glorify?

I'm all for doing your own thing; live and let live I say. But Amy Winehouse is the Brits' Britney, albeit with "talent." I'm pretty sure Amy Winehouse is better than Britney Spears, but there are plenty of bands I can think of off the top of my head who are much better, more talented, and enjoyable than Amy Winehouse. Sorry, Ames, you're just too much of a dirty skank-whore for me. The beehive do is awesome, though. Love what you're doing there. You didn't need to be handed five grammys, though, and certainly not Record of the Year. At least she didn't win Album of the Year. What the hell is the difference? Do they really still make records all that much? If so, it's probably so they can win Record of the Year.

Finally, it seems that the Grammys wanted to thumb their nose at the US, who politely told miss Winehouse that while she had a nice voice, we already had Paris, Britney, Lindsay, and a bunch of other chicks hotter than her who could do her job already, so she could stay in Britain for the time being. Maybe I'm reading to much into the situation.

Either way, Amy Winehouse certainly is not the Jesus of music that she is being promoted as. Here are a few qoutes made about the singer:

The New Statesman magazine called Winehouse "a filthy-mouthed, down-to-earth diva."

People magazine said she was "a perfect storm of sex kitten, raw talent and poor impulse control."

In November of last year, the first night of a 17-date tour was derailed by booing and walkouts at the National Indoor Arena in Birmingham. A music critic for the Birmingham Mail newspaper claimed it was "one of the saddest nights of my life... I saw a supremely talented artist reduced to tears, stumbling around the stage and, unforgivably, swearing at the audience."

What? Tell me when Whitney Houston challenges this girl to a fight to see which one of them truly is the "Queen of Blowing all your Talent on Drugs and my Hubby."

As always, check back here for more news, insights, and opinions from SpedRex

All Hail the New England...G-Men?

2008-02-04T06:41:00.000-08:00

19-0.

Remember when that was deemed "impossible?" Remember when it was simply too hard, too grueling, in this day and age, to win every game of a football season?

Well, we're going to start hearing it again. We're also going to have to suffer through the '72 Dolphins and their bubbly (even though the Pats did beat the Fins mark by one game).

When Eli Manning and the G-Men of New York beat the New England Patriots, the massive surprise that we all felt was justified. Manning had never really looked like a stud QB, and the Patriots seemed unbeatable. But after that game last night, we were reminded, once more, that nobody is perfect.

Usually, the last unbeaten team goes down in week 11, or 12, or maybe as late as 14. This year, the last unbeaten went down in the Super Bowl.

Finally, let's give Eli "Dangit" Manning his credit: he played like an MVP, and he deserves MVP. There are arguments to be made for Justin Tuck, considering his contribution to a stellar defensive performance, but when Eli led the come from behind, game winning fourth quarter drive, he did something that neither his brother, Brett Favre, nor even the great Dan Marino could do: derail a superior opponent in the big game. I know that Favre and Peyton both have rings, but they both beat tomato cans in their Super Bowl wins. Even though Peyton beat the Patriots last year, and previously had lost to them over and over, those Patriots (even with 3 Super Bowls) were not as intimidating as this year's Patriots. Favre lost his big game to a superior team, namely the Broncos, in '97. Finally, Dandy Dan Marino lost the only Super Bowl he ever played, to Joe Montana.

Eli went up against the Goliath of Goliaths, and he walked away a champion. Eli, my hat's off to you. Now please go back to being terrible so we can make fun of you again, okay?

A Bold New (old) Direction!

2008-02-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

Well folks, SpedRex is back. It's been a long hiatus, but I've finally figured out what I, being the magnamimous soul that I am, can share with all of you. Ready? Here's my big revelation:

News.

Yes, folks, I, SpedRex, do hereby pledge to bring you the news, in all its unadulterated and boring beauty. Some of you are probably wondering, "What the hell is he talking about? I watch and read and hear the news all the time!"

No, you don't, and neither do I, which is why I must do this. You see, folks, it is my belief that we really haven't heard news in a long, long, time. I can tell you the latest on Brittany Spears' new album, I'm a Skeezy Skank with no Talent, but I'll be damned if I could tell you the platforms of any of the major presidential candidates this year. Hell, I'd be surprised if more than five people could tell me the differences between Hillary and Obama (and saying "he's black and she's a woman," doesn't count).

I'm not really sure when this happened to news in this country. I have my theories. One, and this isn't a theory as much as a fact, is that 99% of journalism majors (and current journalists) are jerkoffs. They don't become journalists to report the news, they do it to become the news. Just ask Mike Wallace and all the "reporters" on 60 Minutes, a show that once interviewed kings, and now interviews Vince Young. Way to honor the legacy of Edward R. Murrow, fellas; I know when I think 60 Minutes, I think of interviews with marginal 2-year NFL quarterbacks.

Not only are most journalists jerks, but their jerkiness is now on full display on camera. This is due in part to the John Stewart effect, of turning the news into entertainment. When once the news was simply presented to us, it is now packaged for us. Keith Olberman is the best example of this; he is John Stewart on MSNBC. I like John Stewart. There's a big difference between Olberman and Stewart, though, which is that Stewart is on a comdey show on a comedy network, while Olberman is presented legitimately on MSNBC.

Chris Matthews is the same thing. So are all the mutants inhabiting FOX News. I'm almost positive that Bill O'Reilly and Chris Matthews are at least brothers, if not the same person wearing different makeup.

I'd really like to be able to tell someone what is going on with the writer's strike, but it was never well explained by any news outlet on TV. They told there was a strike, and then proceeded to tell about all the wacky new reality shows coming out as a result. In fact, I had to look on the internet, and I really had to dig, to find out any realy info.

So from now on, SpedRex will bring you at least one real news story a day, starting on Monday, because I have to work tomorrow. What's a real news story, you ask? Well, if it has "Brittany" and "Spears" in the same sentence, it probably isn't news, unless the sentence is "Iran's government cracks under international pressure like Brittany Spears at a maternity ward." If the story has anything to do with what famous person is fucking another famous person, it ain't news. News consists of that which is important. While I will decide what is important for me to write about, trust me when I say I will make a concerted effort to avoid what is simply interesting in favor of what is important.

So, with that, I'm off to find the news!

As always, check back for more news, insights, and opinions from SpedRex!

Can't Escape Your Fate

2008-01-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

It seems that, no matter who you are and what you do, there are forces seeking to impose their will, or their interpretation of your will, on you. By "you," I mean me.

I don't understand this world. We say that we should chase our dreams and do what we want, but there's an adendum to that statement: do it fast. Bill Gates and the NFL taught us that no matter what you've done in the past, good or bad, all that matters is what you're doing now and are going to do in the future. In fact, what you're doing now doesn't really matter as all people seem to do these days is worry about what lies ahead.

Our society is planned out to an almost absurd degree. I say almost because sometimes it it is obvisouly necessary to map out a plan of some sort; but we are at a point in time where nothing is valid until there is a plan blocking out every step of the process. Financial planning, health planning, business planning, marketing planning, urban planning, land use planning...how many of these really need a long, thought out plan attached to them? Really? Financial planning: don't blow your credit by investing in that Ugandan ex-president's get-rich-quick scheme. Health planning: GET OFF YOUR ASS AND EXERCISE, YOU ASSHOLE! And so forth.

Now here's the point where some guy says, "Hey I went to business school, or law school, or medical school, and you don't know what it takes to plan for certain issues and things that have to be accounted for." And that guy is right. I don't know. But I do know that while people tell me that I can pursue what and how I choose, it sure doesn't seem that way. I have a plan, it just wasn't drawn up by me.

Merry Christmas from SpedRex

2007-12-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas day, and the town is covered in...sunlight? GODDAMN GLOBAL WARMING!! SCREWING UP WHITE CHRISTMAS!

Anyways, it is Christmas day, no matter how warm it is outside, and all across the globe, children are just beginning to feel the effects of the high levels of lead in the toys they receive from Santa Claus. In honor of this wondrous holiday, let me tell of the history behind the tale of Christmas.

The tale of Christmas begins a fucking long time ago in this town called Nazareth, which I believe was named after the Scottish power rock band Nazareth (remember the song Love Hurts?) There, in a barn (or manger, as they called it back in the old days) a little baby boy was born to the family of Joseph and Mary Christberg; they named their son Jesus, after the word that Mary kept screaming as she was trying to push the 8-pound baby out of her.

Jesus Christberg was a carefree, but overweight, child, who didn't have much time for things like fighting in the Roman legion, or helping his father gather food so they could survive in the stinking desert they lived in, but he was extremely pious, and also could play a mean version of "Stairway." As he matured, he found that he could play basketball, and he, in the first of his many great deeds that would reverberate through the history of mankind, gave birth to the phrase "basketball Jesus."

After graduating from Caesar U (Jerusalem Campus), he turned down several offers from pro teams to devote his life to speaking the word of god. Now, like most wealthy yet bored post-college jewish boys, Christberg was, to put it mildly, a liberal commie hippie. So, in speaking the word of God, he came up with such loony ideas as "love," "kindness," "tolerance," and of course, "helping the poor." The helping the poor clause really pissed off everybody else, specifically the Romans, who decided to not invite Jesus to their annual "We rule the World, no, seriously" end of the year party.

Around this time, he shortened his name to Jesus Christ and started his first band, the Acolytes (although they changed their name to the Apostles after switching labels.) During this period of his life, he went around the land, wearing his beloved Che Guevara t-shirt, performing miracles (mostly card tricks.)

Eventually, the Romans and the priests in charge (yes, who were Jewish), decided that Jesus was becoming a threat and so they had him crucified, whereby one is nailed to a cross and forced to listen to Hillary Clinton explain her healthcare plan.

Now, here's where some people disagree on what happened next. Some say that:

a) Jesus, who really was the son of god (and therefore God), came back to life, proving that he was the messiah.

b) Did what all other dead guys do: lie in the ground and rot.

I have no idea what happend, because I was not there. I will say that as all people in all ages since the dawn of monotheism have thought they were living in the end days, it must have been awful to be one of Jesus' followers right after his death. Every day you'd be saying, "He's coming back today. I can feel it."

No matter how the story ends, and seeing as how the death asteroid is going to be here in 20 years, it probably ends badly, I think we can all thank Jesus for his contributions to the worlds, and all agree that he probably was/is right about his idea that people should help others, while we can all also agree that Christmas music, with the exception of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, really sucks.

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!

Redskins show testicular fortitude, win game in adversity

2007-12-17T06:46:00.000-08:00

Last night, the Washington Redskins beat the New York Giants 22-10 at Giants Stadium. The wind was blowing at speeds of alm ost 26 mph, making it nearly impossible for either team to get any offensive rythm; starting qbs Todd Collins (8-25, 166 yards) and Eli Manning (18-52, 184 yards and a TD) saw most of their passes get carried by the wind that was swirling around in the bowl stadium. Collins, making his first start in 10 years, showed that veteran experience is still a commodity in this league, as he made no mistakes and converted enough big plays to make sure the Skins were never in danger of losing the game. Running back Clinton Portis had his 3rd hundred yard game, and passed 1000 yards on the season. With the win, the Redskins kept their slim playoff hopes alive, and next week they must face and beat Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings.

New York: Class from top to bottom

2007-11-20T07:26:00.000-08:00

According to the New York Times, "In what has become a ritual at Jets home games, men at a Gate D pedestrian ramp chant to women to expose their breasts. At halftime of the Jets' home game against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday, several hundred men lined one of Giants Stadium's two pedestrian ramps at Gate D. Three deep in some areas, they whistled and jumped up and down. Then they began an obscenity-laced chant, demanding that the few women in the gathering expose their breasts. When one woman appeared to be on the verge of obliging, the hooting and hollering intensified. But then she walked away, and plastic beer bottles and spit went flying. Boos swept through the crowd of unsatisfied men. A guard later said they were not permitted to do anything about the chants at Gate D because of free speech laws. Yet when a reporter tried to interview two security guards after halftime, he was detained in a holding room, threatened with arrest and asked to hand over his tape recorder."

Whoo-hoo hoo, yet another classy showing by our friends up north! And people down south say New Yorkers are just rude, ill-mannerred, foul-mouthed jack-asses! Boy, what the hell do they know?

Were they congregating at Gate "D" because of the mistaken hope that they'd see bigger breasts? Nope, they were at that particular gate because there was a pisser right next to it.

Now, in all fairness, the Jets, at 2-8, do not exactly give their fans much to watch, definitely nothing anywhere close to the satisfaction a man gleans from gazing at a female breast. But people have to act more decently than this. People talk about post-9/11 New York all the time. 'What's it going to be like?' they always ask. Well, I can tell you that, five years later, it may be different, but it sure does seem the same sometimes. Jets fans need to learn a little respect for women and for themselves, and if they're so desperate for female attention they need to form the dreaded "Show your tits!" chant-mob, maybe they should try to go and find girlfriends who will oblige their request.

10 Best Heavyweight Boxers of All-Time

2007-11-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

This humble blogger has a confession to make: I love boxing. As a sport that no longer permeates every aspect of American Culture like it once did, I can't help but feel like I was born in the wrong decade. How did boxing fall from grace so fast? Two reasons: Mike Tyson's downfall killed the sport, as well as the perceived lack of great heavyweight fighters over the past 15 years or so. Americans really don't care about the other weight classes. I'm sure that, back in the 70's, many people saw or knew who won the Thrilla in Manilla (Ali vs. Frazier 2). If you asked twenty random people on the street who won the fights between Arturo Gatti and Mickey Ward, which are universally hailed as possibly the best fights of all time, most people would probably say "Who are Arturo Gatti and Mickey Ward?" Welterweights, lightweights, light-heavies, etc., don't command our attention like heavyweights do. And Tyson's meltdown didn't help, either. So, in memory of the great heavyweights of recent and distant past, here is my list of the ten best heavyweight fighters, ever.

The criteria for this list is wins, losses, time of victory, KO's vs. decisions, and time as champion, and dominance as champion. Notice I used the best as opposed to "greatest;" this is intentional, as best refers to skills in the ring, while greatest can mean something totally different. Jack Dempsey was clearly a GREATER champion than Lennox Lewis; Dempsey captured our imaginations and galvanized the country. He was a true national figure. Lewis, on the other hand, was seen largely as that guy from England. He was, however, clearly the better boxer, in terms of raw skills. So the status of, say, Ali or Frazier, as political and cultural icons, will not be factored in to the decision. I'll make mention of these fighters cultural impacts, though. On to the list.

10) Sonny Liston - One of the most powerful punchers in the history of heavyweight boxing, Liston was a dominant champion (as well as an extremely interesting person). His record stands at 50 wins, 4 losses, with 39 wins by knockout. He was a heavyweight champion (September 25th, 1962 - February 25th, 1964) and a Golden Gloves winner. Two of his losses occurred at the hands of Muhammad Ali. Liston was so tough that in his first loss, against Marty Marshall, Liston finished the fight despite breaking his jaw in the third round. This is what led many to believe that Liston's first fight against Ali was fixed, with Liston betting on himself; he withdrew from that fight due to a shoulder injury, but how could that sideline the man who went the distance with a broken jaw? Liston later would knock Marshall out in a rematch. Liston had difficulty getting a deserved shot at champion Floyd Patterson, as Patterson's people attempted to use Liston's links with the mob as an excuse against the fight. In 1962, Liston finally signed to meet the world heavyweight champion for the belt. The fight was going to be held in New York, but the New York commission denied him a license. The fight was held in Chicago, and Liston knocked Patterson out in the first round. He also knocked Patterson out in the first round of their rematch. Liston died under mysterious circumstances in 1970; many believe that his contacts to the mob killed him. Liston was not a popular champion, unfortunately.

9) Max Baer - The one-time "killer" and future inspiration to Jews during WWII, Baer is possibly the most feared puncher ever to box professionally. Baer's record stands at 72 wins, 53 by knockout, and 12 losses. Baer fought Frankie Campbell in 1930; Campbell died in the ring after two blows to the head from Baer. It was later revealed that the punches knocked Campbell's brain completely loose from the connective tissue holding it in place in his head. Baer was profoundly affected by this event. The movie Cinderella Man, director Ron Howard, in one of the most despicable cases of artistic license ever, makes Baer look sadistic and his remorse for Campbell is not shown. In all fairness, the media at the time in the 30's played up Baer's image as a killer, and the film does show Baer accepting defeat graciously, smiling and clapping at Braddock's victory. It can also be argued that the depiction of Baer in the film was in keeping with his depiction in the press at the time, and the image of a destructive, savage boxer was often used by promoters to create interest in Baer's fights. And, while the film's Max Baer in the movie never expresses remorse for the death of Campbell, neither does he actually boast about it. The real life Max Baer helped put Frankie Campbell's kids through college. Later, Baer became an actor. He was heavyweight champion from June 14th, 1934 until June 13th, 1935 (when he lost to Braddock). He died at the age of 50.

8) George Foreman - With a record of 76 wins, 68 by knockout, and 5 losses, Foreman was originally a devastating monster who was feared by the media and public. On January 22nd, 1973, Foreman faced undefeated world Heavyweight champion Joe Frazier in Kingston, Jamaica, knocking him down six times in two rounds and knocking him out in the second round in one of boxing's biggest upsets to become the world champion. He threw an uppercut that connected with such brutal force that Frazier was lifted off his feet before hitting the canvas. Foreman was considered an aloof and anti-social champion by the press in his youth. Foreman held the belt from January 1973 until October 1974, when he dropped the belt to Ali. He would later stun the world in 1994, on November 5th, when he beat Michael Moorer to become, at the age of 45, the oldest Heavyweight champion of all time.

7) Lennox Lewis - Along with Muhammad Ali and Evander Holyfield, Lewis is one of three boxers in heavyweight history to have won the Heavyweight Championship on three separate occasions. Lewis' record is 41 wins, 32 by knockout, 2 losses, and 1 draw. That draw was on March 13, 1999, and is still one of the most controversial fights of all time. Most believe (me included) that Lewis kicked the living snot out of Evander Holyfield. Eight months later Lewis won a much closer match, but it was a unanimous decision. Many feel that the decision in the second bout was a correction of the mistake made in the first. Lewis is number six because while Lewis was a dominant champion, his loss to Hasim Rahman (a 20-1 underdog) coupled with his not so lengthy reigns as undisputed champion, as well as his rather lazy in-ring style make him, to me, not as good as some other champions who may have not held the unified belt as many times. Lewis was great, no doubt, and he did beat the man I am going to make number one, but that man was way out of his prime by then.

6) Floyd Patterson - At the time he won the belt, he was the youngest man to hold it (he was 21 years old). He had a record of 55 wins, 8 losses and 1 draw, with 40 wins by knockout. At the age of just 17, Patterson won the Gold medal in the 1952 Helsinki Olympics as a middleweight. 1952 also saw Patterson, in addition to winning the Olympic gold, win the National Amateur Middleweight Championship and a Golden Gloves. He got his championship chance when he fought Archie Moore on November 30, 1956, for the title left vacant by Rocky Marciano. He beat Moore by a knockout in five rounds, and became the first Olympic gold medalist to win a heavyweight title. Patterson was also the first man to regain the title after losing it. In 1959, he dropped the title to Ingemar Johansson of Sweden, in the first of three excellent fights. Patterson knocked Johansson out in the fifth round of their rematch on June 20, 1960, with a leaping left hook to once again be the world's undisputed heavyweight title. The punch caught Johansson's chin and he hit the canvas, knocked out before he landed flat on his back. Blood could be seen trickling from his mouth, and his eyes were clearly glazed over and his left foot was quivering. After the count, Patterson showed his concern for Johansson by cradling his downed opponent, and promising him a second rematch. Johansson lay unconscious for five minutes. He was still dazed and unsteady fifteen minutes after the knockout as he had to be helped out of the ring. Despite this, Patterson was very popular among Swedish people, who had made Johansson their national hero after he defeated Patterson (Johansson was the first Swedish champion), and when he went to Europe for an exhibition tour after that match, he was greeted by Swedish fans, who were eager to shake his hand, ask for autographs and take photos with the likeable Patterson. Patterson would lose the title to Sonny Liston in 1962. Patterson was also the only "old" fighter to box Muhammad Ali well, losing a 12-round TKO. Despite calling him "the Rabbit," Ali himself later expressed admiration for Patterson's gentle nature and in-ring skills. I don't think there can be any greater boxing complement better than to have Ali say that.

5) Joe Frazier - Considered one of the greatest heavyweights of all time, Frazier is most famous for his trilogy of fights with Muhammad Ali, the first of which, won by Frazier in a unanimous decision, has been hailed as one of boxing's greatest matches. Frazier was known for a dogged and merciless pursuit of opponents, quickly cutting off angles of escape using a chugging locomotion that was likened to a train's advance up a hill. The contrast with Ali's dancing, non-linear style could not have been greater. Together, they are probably boxing's greatest pair of antagonists ever. Their trash talk was legendary, as was their fights. Both Ali-Frazier 1 and the Thrilla in Manilla (won by Ali) are debated as the greatest fights ever. Frazier's record is 32 wins, 27 by knockout, and 4 losses, with 1 draw. Frazier became undisputed champion when he beat WBA world heavyweight champion Jimmy Ellis with a 5th round knockout in February 1970. Frazier is extremely hostile toward Ali, still, and claims to have won all three fights between them. His reign as undisputed champion lasted almost 3 years. In that time, he was the first man to beat Muhammad Ali.

4) Joe Louis - I have to admit, most of my knowledge of Joe Louis came from the Eddie Murphy movie Coming to America. I found out later that Joe Louis was not 75 years old when he fought Rocky Marciano. Louis held the title over 11 years (from 1937 until 1949) and made a record 25 successful heavyweight title defenses and a total of 26 heavyweight championship fights, a record which still stands. Louis' record is 69 wins, 55 by knockout, and 3 losses. A prolific puncher, he knocked out Primo Carnera, a former heavyweight champ, in 6 rounds. Louis then knocked out the iron-chinned former heavyweight champion Max Baer in four rounds. Before losing to Louis, Baer had been knocked down only once, by Frankie Campbell. Louis also knocked out Paolino Uzcudun, who had never been knocked down or out before he met Louis. Louis lost to Max Schmeling, but was awarded the title shot against James Braddock when negotiations with Schmeling failed. Louis would later defend his title against Schmeling, defeating him handily. At a troubled time in America right before the outbreak of World War II, he became a popular and national American hero, along with Jesse Owens, for both black and white America, much like fighters Max Baer and Max Schmeling had become heroes.
Interestingly, at the time he fought the Jewish Baer, Schmeling was called a N*zi by many fans due to his popularity among the party, a title which stuck to him like glue. In reality, the N*zis stopped using him in their propaganda after his loss to Louis, which was a relief to him. In 1928, he hired Joe Jacobs, a Jew, to be his manager. He would point this out for the rest of his life in defending himself against charges of Nazism. Schmeling also visited American soldiers in hospitals, and hid Jewish children in his hotel room from the Gestapo during the Kristallnacht. The two boys, Henry and Werner Lewin, were eventually smuggled out of Germany with Schmeling's help. Though the N*zi government tried to help Schmeling get the title shot he deserved against Braddock, he despised them and opposed them. He also was very good personal friends with Joe Louis, paying his medical bills later in their lives, and acting as a pall bearer at Louis' funeral. Some reports claim Schmeling paid for the funeral, though this has been debated.
In 2003, Ring Magazine rated Joe Louis No. 1 on the list of 100 greatest punchers of all time. In 2005, Louis was named the greatest heavyweight of all time by the International Boxing Research Organization.

3) Muhammad Ali - In my opinion, the greatest showman in sports, ever. Ali has a record of 56 wins, 37 by knockout, and 5 losses. He defeated every major contender in the heavyweight division during the Golden Age of Heavyweight boxing. He participated in some of the greatest matches of all time, including two against Frazier that some say are the greatest ever, period. Ali dominated the division like no-one had up to that point. He destroyed Sonny Liston, twice, when Liston was seen as invincible. He beat Floyd Patterson, and Patterson was a legitimate threat to the title his whole career. And then, when his career was winding down, he defeated the younger, stronger George Foreman at the Rumble in the Jungle. I don't think anything else needs to be said about Ali.

2) Rocky Marciano - With forty-three knockouts to his credit out of 49 wins (which makes for an 88% knockout rate), Marciano remains the only heavyweight champion in boxing history to retire without a defeat or a draw in his professional career. His undefeated record makes him one of the top two in my opinion. Marciano held the belt from 1952 until 1956. He did lose to Colley Wallace in 1948, but that was in a Golden Gloves tournament. Marciano faced world heavyweight champion Jersey Joe Walcott in Philadelphia on September 23, 1952, to win his title. After being dropped in round one, Marciano got up and knocked Walcott out in the thirteenth round. In their rematch, one year later, Maciano knocked Walcott out in the first round. He would never lose the title. After he retired, he began receiveing criticism for never fighting Floyd Patterson. The truth is, while Marciano was champion, Patterson was not a contender for the heavyweight title and he was not a ranked heavyweight. In fact, during Marciano's title years, Patterson fought mainly in the light heavyweight class.
In 1969, shortly before he died, Marciano participated in the filming of the fantasy movie/fight, The Superfight: Marciano vs. Ali. The two boxers were filmed sparring, then the film was edited to fit the predictions of a computer simulation that staged a hypothetical fight between them, considering each in their prime. The bout was aired on Tuesday, January 20, 1970. Marciano won by KO in 13.

And now, for my number one:

1) Mike Tyson - That's right, Iron Mike Tyson. In his prime, Tyson was unbeatable. Displacing Patterson as the youngest man to ever have won the belt, Tyson unified the belts in the broken and destabilized heavyweight division in the late 1980s and won many of his fights by knockout. Tyson knocked out his first 19 professional opponents inside of 6 rounds, 12 of them in the first round. He reigned as undisputed heavyweight champion for over two years, until he was upset by Buster Douglas. This loss would herald the downfall of boxing as we know it. His record stands at 50 wins, 44 by knockout, and 6 losses, with 2 draws. Some could say that if he hadn't made all these dumb comeback attempts, his record would be even better (much like QB's who play past their prime and drag their stats down). Though he effectively killed the sport, and made a mockery of himself, keep this in mind: the man was an animal from the streets. Every father figure in his life either left him or took advantge of him, and despite this, he became the most feared boxer of all time at the age of twenty. Tyson would knockout opponents so fast you would miss it if you blinked. In terms of raw skill and dominance in his prime, Tyson is the best by far.

Ravens get killed by Steelers

2007-11-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

The Ravens now join the club of teams that play in Maryland that have lost to annoying teams from the North.

By the end of the first half last night, Ben Roethlisberger had thrown five touchdowns and officially made the Ravens secondary his bitch. The Ravens mustered zero offense on the night, with Steve McNair looking old, out of gas, and slow, and Kyle Boller looking like Kyle Boller.
But the most interesting story of the night wasn't how the Ravens got their teeth kicked in by the Steelers, or that Roethlisberger tied a franchise record by throwing for 5 touchdowns in the first half. The real story came after the game, during the Ravens postgame interviews, when Ray Lewis spoke to reporters. Having heard the whole thing on the radio last night, I was excited to see if someone would air footage of his rantings and ravings on TV.

Now, I don't mean to make accusations with no proof, but I just have to say it: Ray Lewis looked like he was coked out last night after the game. I'm not saying he was on coke, maybe he was just pumped on adrenaline (although I can't imagine being pumped up after that butt-whuppin'), a high-strung d0uchbag, or just tired and frustrated; he just looked like he was coked out. He was agitated, licking his lips, twitching, eyes darting about from side to side all shifty like...you know what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about the sweating, either; he had just played a football game, I can imagine he would be sweaty. It was his demeanor that made me think he was wired.

Ray, for his part, didn't hold back in his comments. He blamed the offense for the loss, saying "Don't turn the ball over 4 times. Simple as that." Here's a novel idea for ya, Ray...stop the opposition. Remember when teams couldn't move more than a yard against that unit? Now Roethlisberger is passing on them at will? Please. Lewis needs to remember that those who live in glass houses should refrain from throwing stones. Lewis is right, turning the ball over 4 times is a problem, but he's wrong to say that because the Ravens stopped the run, the defense did a good job. No, that is not the case. Yes, the DBs got burned a few times, but stop the offense on third down and those big plays are negated. Roethlisberger eluded the rush all night; he scrambled all over the Ravens, and embarrassed them.

Those Steelers look pretty good. They might have a shot to beat the Patriots, maybe. Then again, the Patriots have a way of making good teams look average. The Steelers did win the Super Bowl two years ago, and the only reason they stunk last year is because Roethlisberger had his brains scrambled and had a horrible year. They're a different team and he's a different quarterback this year. Then again, the Patriots are a different team this year as well.
Speaking of the Patriots, I think that it is a little premature and immature of Don Shula to already be playing the "asterisk" card. Shula, I hate dedicating time to talking about you, but maybe you should a)wait until the Patriots actually do go undefeated to say that, and b)shut the fuck up. I, for one, am rooting for the Patriots to go undefeated just so I never have to hear about the '72 Dolphins popping the bubbly again.

Next week, the Redskins play the Eagles at FedEx. The Redskins are, once again, the team you can't possibly ever bet on, because they're just too unpredictable, but I think that the Redskins will pull out a knucklebiter against the Eagles at home. All the offense has to do is score, but they have a problem with that, currently. If Portis can get going on the ground, then the only question is can Campbell improve his accuracy. He has now overthrown Santana Moss for clinching touchdowns one too many times, most recently in overtime against the Jets. However, even though I think the 'Skins defense is pretty good, they seem to have a problem with scramblers, and McNabb is a dangerous runner. Though he doesn't seem to be 100% this year. I think the Skins will win.

As always, check back for more news, insights, and opinions from SpedRex!

When Technology Goes too Far

2007-11-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

Alright people, if you need any more proof that we (humans), are nothing more than meatbags who are slaves to our nifty gadgets, the apocalypse is here: it's called Slingbox Mobile, and if I do not accomplish anything else in my life, I will see to it that no one in my immediate family ever purchases one of these abominations.

According to a New York Times article, "The Slingbox's purpose in life is to transmit whatever is on your TV to your laptop or smartphone (like a Treo or Windows Mobile phone) across the Internet. The point, of course, is to allow people who travel - to another room, another city or another continent - to view all the channels and recordings that they're already paying so much money for at home."

Doesn't anybody else have a problem with this? For starters, since when was walking to another room in my house classified as "travel." Secondly, the point of me leaving my house is to (presumably) go somewhere and not watch my TV. The only time I go out of the house with the express intention of watching another TV is when I go to a sports bar, or go watch a game at a friends house. But now, when I'm in, say, Switzerland, and I get bored by the sublime majesty of the Alps, well, hey, I wonder what the idiots on Grey's Anatomy are up to? The hot geysers of Iceland are just water spouts, but Battlestar Galactica is showing a two-parter this week! I gotta watch it now!

We don't need something that beams our favorite shows over the internet to our phones. If anything, this just makes it easier than it already is (and with GPS, Internet capabilities, etc., it's damn easy) for Big Brother to find out where you are. Personally, I don't want some government bureaucrat knowing that my favorite TV shows are Farscape, The View, and Rough Sex: The HBO Special. My cellphone exists not to show me television; it exists so I can make phone calls. The article goes on to say: "It comes in handy when you want to watch TV upstairs, but your fancy high-definition TiVo is downstairs. It's also great when you're in a hotel room, bristling at paying $13 for a movie when your video recorder back home is a veritable Blockbuster. And Slingboxes are also a blessing when you are overseas and longing for the news, or the sports broadcasts, of your hometown."

Here's a tip for those of you who want to watch TV upstairs, but "your fancy high-definition TiVo is downstairs." Haul your lazy ass out of bed and lay down on the couch downstairs. Unless you're as fat as a house or as old as Joan Rivers, the effort it takes to go up and down the stairs won't kill you. And for those of you who are "in a hotel room, bristling at paying $13 for a movie," here's a tip: go to sleep, or order a hooker. Knowing you, you'll probably get the same amount of satisfaction out of either option. And if you're overseas, and you really want to know what's going on at home, try *gasp* calling up somebody you know and asking them.

DEATH TO THE SLINGBOX!

As always, check back for more news, insights, and opinions from SpedRex!

What a Surprise!

2007-11-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been waiting now for a week or two for some crazy evangelical to proclaim the recent fires in California to be the work of "the Hand of God." I expected, and still do, that we would (will) hear something along these lines:

"But yea, listen unto me, o'faithful! I saw in a vision last tuesday, when I was sitting on the toilet extolling God's great wastes into his porcelain majesty...He told me that California was a godless den of iniquity...he told me, he said, 'Reverand Jim Bob Earl, you will bear witness to my hand as I cleanse this haven of homosexuals, of non-believers, and liberals who dare to try to clean up my Earth, when they know my will is for humans to destroy it!' This state, with it's evil governor who seeks to subvert our great, god-fearing government for his own selfish aims...will burn in the cleansing fires of Heaven! We tolerate those among us who sodomize, and allow sodomites to exist in peace! We tolerate the sins of Hollywood, where they dare to tell us that the Earth wasn't created by our great Space Daddy some six thousand years ago! Well, God has spoken! Fires like this, of this magnitude, don't occur naturally. It is the hand of God! And for those of you who may think that such jewish-propagted nonsense like global warming could have a hand in this, I say, global warming, unlike God, is just a theory, and cannot be proven! Can I get an amen?"

Now, I hate the environment as much as the next close-minded, ig'nant god-squadder, but I did some research, and some crazy preacher did say some crazy garbage like the above statement.

Reverand John Crowder (pictured above with his annoyingly blond family and his absurd, amish wannabe beard) claims that,

"About six weeks ago on Sept. 8, while ministering in Stockton, California, I prophesied publicly about the coming of these fires, which we feel are a prophetic sign of revival that is coming to burn in the state. This will be a wildfire revival that is not tamed, controlled or orchestrated by anyone other than God Himself. Along with this wildfire prophecy, the Lord showed me revival fires such as those that have burned in Latin America will be spreading through California. I saw a clear connection with the Hispanic community, and revival spreading between Baja, Mexico, the border region and California, where the natural fire is now located. Here is an excerpt from the prophecy: "Wildfire state of California, burn, burn burn!...Get ready wildfire state. I want you to hear me clearly: I'm not saying this as a 'judgment prophet' - I'm not saying this in that regard, OK? But you watch and see the wildfires coming. It's going to be a sign of something in the Spirit. We pray protection over properties. We pray the protection of God. But watch and see. This is a sign that God is blazing through, and He's clearing and leveling ground for the coming of His Kingdom in California. We say fire of Heaven burn. Fire of Heaven come. We need the flame of God. We need the consuming wildfire of Heaven. Come in Jesus name!"

Now, this jerk is trying to stay away from the "Angry god sweeping away the sinners and their trash" line, but he's actually trying to claim that he a) knew the fires would come before they did, and b) wished for them to come. Doesn't that mean that, as someone who had prior knowledge of this disaster, he failed to warn all the people who lost their homes in this fire? Wow, some man of god you are, John Crowder.

As always, check back for more news, insights, and opinions from SpedRex!

24-Year Old Hospital Technician Gets Freaky With Dead Body of 92-Year Old Woman

2007-10-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

Teaneck, NJ

24-year old lab technician Anthony Merino is a charged with sexually abusing the corpse of a 92-year old woman at Holy Name Hospital in Teaneck, New Jersey. A security guard allegedly witnessed the incident. Merino has been fired by Holy Name Hospital, and was arraigned Monday on the charge of desecrating human remains, a second degree crime in the state of New Jersey. A judge set bail at $400,000 under the conditions that Merino surrender his passport and submit to a psychological evaluation. If found guilty, he could be sentenced to a maximum of 10 years in prison.

The hospital put out the follwing statement: "This heinous crime is a travesty. We are horrified and saddened for the family of the patient and are completely empathic and sympathetic to them."

Now, Anthony Merino is obviously a sick fuck, no pun intended. But, c'mon, dude, a 92-year old woman was the best dead body you could find? They're dead bodies, for god sakes. They're not going to say no. That hot 25-year old chick who died in a freak hair gel accident is not going to reject you now, is she? If you're going to be a necrophilac and have sex with corpses, at least have sex with hot corpses.

As always, check back for more news, insights, and opinions from SpedRex!

New Study put out by The No-Shit? Research Institute Shows Men Play Casual Games

2007-10-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

In a recent study, men have been found to be just as likely to play casual games (games considered to be quick to learn and easy to play, ex. The Sims) as women, who have been considered to be the target audience of casual games. Men, however, are far less likely to admit to playing casual games, and also are less likely to buy casual games than women.

The study was conducted by the Casual Games Association, a group that seeks to increase awareness for a genre that accounts for 10% of a $30 billion worldwide video game industry.

In a similar study, men were found to be just as likely to enjoy casual slacks, casual Fridays, a casual stroll through the garden, and casual sex, as much as women do. Moreso, in the case of casual sex.

As always, check back for more news, insights, and opinion, from SpedRex!

For the full article on casual gaming, check out http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071029/tc_nm/videogames_casual_dc;_ylt=A0WTcUlWJyZHsAEBjxEjtBAF

Schwarzenegger claims Marijuana is a Leaf, not a Drug

2007-10-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

Sacramento, CA:

Governor Arlnold Schwarzenegger told the British edition of GQ Magazine that marijuana is not a drug.

"That is not a drug," the governor told the publication. "It's a leaf. My drug was pumping iron, trust me."

Well, this humble blogger trusts you, Mr. Terminator. One-hundred percent.

The governor went on to say, "What would you rather have? A politician taking stuff and not saying, but making the best decisions and improving things? Or a politician who names all the drugs he or she has taken but makes lousy decisions for the country? Why should I care if a politician takes sleeping pills every night so long as he can do his job?"

Well, as we all know, and the governor, god bless his germanic heart, will soon find out, common sense in this country is severely frowned upon, at least as pertains to things like marijuana. Gov. Schwarzenegger was always one of my favorite politicians, but he continues to impress me with his decision making and his statements. Keep in mind that he is doing a great job and the state of California loves him; his latest exploit was to file suit against the federal government due to the EPA not issuing the state a federal preemption waiver for California's greenhouse emission standards, an act that would look to clean up the air in California.

Until Sylvester Stallone is elected President of the United States and names Chuck Norris his secretary of "ass-kickin'," I'm all for letting retired action figures run this country.

As always, check back for more insights and opinoins from SpedRex!

And the winner is...aw, who am I kidding, the Pats won. Again.

2007-10-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

And the funniest part of the week leading to yesterday's destruction of the hopes and (at least for the males) testicles of Redskins' fans everywhere?

How many people were picking the 'Skins to pull out the upset.

Yes, it's true. No matter how badly Cowboys fans try to convince us that the C-Boys are America's darling, don't we have to declare a de facto title to the 'Skins? Name one team that is consistently as overhyped, every damn year, as my beloved Redskins. When I say overhyped, by the way, I do not mean by your typical homer/delusional Skins fan in DC, or wherever you may be (I know there are a lot of us.) I mean by people who a)aren't Redskins fans and/or b)are paid by a major media outlet to talk about sports.

Every freakin' year, it seems, I have to hear from ESPN and SI and the Sporting News and Vince Vaughn (okay, maybe I've never heard Vince Vaughn hype the Skins, but seeing as how I hate him, let's just pretend) are talking about how the Skins 1)"Just might creep up on'ya this year" or 2)"The Redskins are looking at a deep play-off run this year!"

Those were some quotes that I have heard repeated for that last, oh let's see, it's 2007, we won the Super Bowl when I was 8 in the 1991-1992 season, so I've been hearing this garbage for 15 years. This year, we actually have a winning record at the halfway mark of the season, and this is what we hear:

"The Redskins are playing lights out football right now! Look out Dallas!" - said by Kevin Blackistone on Around the Horn (this was said after the win against Detroit).

"The Redskins have the fifth-ranked defense in the league, they're good at creating pressure, and have a great pass D...they have a very good chance against the Pats this week." - said by Mark Schlereth, a former Redskin.

"Brandon Lloyd has one catch now...Brandon Lloyd is just gettin' warmed up. LOOK OUT FOR B-LLOYD!" - said by Brandon Lloyd, probably.

Now, I'm all for optimism, and lord knows the Redskins could use a little bit of it these days, but c'mon: the COLTS ARE UNDERDOGS AGAINST THESE PATRIOTS. The Skins? The team that couldn't beat the Packers on a day when Sean Taylor was making Favre his sissy and the Pack managed one measly touchdown? No way.

As for me? Well, I am the guy who pre-season predicted that the Pats may not win the AFC East because the Jets and the Dolphins would compete with them. I'm the guy who told you that Brady and Moss would explode in Belichick's face. Obviously, my predictive powers in football aren't as keen as they are in baseball.

I also said that the Bengals would be good. They are a bunch of cowards. Chad Johnson is working very hard to squander all the good will he built up the NFL fans for the past few years. Not only that, but how many of you, o bloggers, truly believe that Chad is the BEST receiver in the NFL? Think anyone would say that if he was sentenced to two years hard time in the Oakland Raider Penitentiary, run by sadistic warden Al Davis? No. Not a chance. Just remember: Moss was better than Johnson with Culpepper throwing him the ball. Ocho-cinco has Palmer, who is considered one of the best in the game.

Oh yeah, I'm also the guy who said the Raiders would be good this year, and that JaMarcus Russell would be named the Offensive Rookie of the Year. Unless he can attain that award without taking the field once, it looks like that will be a bust, too.

I don't remember what I said about the Falcons, but I said, and I quote, "Fuck the Bucs. I hate them." Well, you know what? I still hate them. Fuck the Bucs.

As for that last prediction of mine....I still stick by the Bolts taking down the Super Bowl. I don't care what anybody says, if there is a fantasy draft tomorrow in the NFL a la Madden stylie, LT is the number one pick. No question; he's the best player in football, bar none. Antonio Gates is the best tight end in football. Philip Rivers is an excellent quarterback, who before the aquisition of Chris Chambers, had three speedy wideouts all measured at 6 foot 5. Gates is 6'4", and he's one of those tight ends who can double as a receiver that is so prized in today's game...couple him with San Diego's wide receivers, and that's a big, fast receiving core. Now that they have Chambers, and Chambers has a real quarterback again, both the Chargers offense and Chris Chambers are playing well again. The Chargers are the most talented team in football. The Patriots wide receivers don't outweigh the overall quality of the Chargers team. The question is, obviously, can the Pats be beaten?

I think so. But I want them to go undefeated. I want them to so I never have to hear or god forbid see the insufferable image of the No-Name Defense popping the bubbly again.

As always, check back for more insights and opinions from SpedRex!

Robotic Jason Taylor Terrorizes London

2007-10-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Oct. 23rd, London, England

Let me start off by saying that cryonic freezing works like a charm.

On Saturday, the 20th, at 9 AM, I was taking a tour of The Cryonics Institute in Clinton Township, Michigan, when I fell into a tube. I think it was a tube. Needless to say, much like the idiot in Futurama, I got frozen. Cryonically frozen.

For 48 hours.

I awoke dazed, and confused, thinking it was sometime in the distant future. My first thought upon noticing my 21st century attire was wondering if the Chinese Overlords still allowed Jewish men to wear "Vote Romney or Else!" t-shirts.

The Cryonics Institute was deserted; probably from years of neglect and overgrowth. I was lucky that power had somehow kept flowing to the tube/cylindrical freezy thingy I stayed in for however many years I was locked inside it (48 hours, or 0.0054794520% of a single year). I found out later that the Institute was empty because it was, at the very moment that I left the lab, the bottom of the 5th with bases loaded and two men out plus a full count in the final game of the World Series of The Clinton Township Science & Engineering Industry Kickball League. I never found out who won.

I did find out that the Red Sox had won the ALCS, however. If I knew a damn thing about baseball, I'd be saying, "I told you so," right now.

But I don't. I did get absurdly lucky, though. When everyone threw them Sox under the bus, I did come out and say that they would rally from 3-1 to go on and win the whole damn thing.

So, I guess I'm pulling for the Sox. I hate to do it. I'd love to see the Rockies pull off the incredible upset victory. But if whatever Hispanic gentlemen who play in Sox uniforms these days pull this thing out, then the prediction becomes legendary. So you all heard it here first: I said when they were down 3-1 they'd win the whole thing.

In other news, the Redskins are going to the Sacrificial Altar this Sunday, in order to be ritualistically killed for the amusement of Beli-chik, the dark lord of the New English people. Honestly, I love the Redskins, and I believe in the whole "Any Given Sunday" philosophy of the NFL, and I do think the Skins pass D is solid, but I gotta pick the Pats. I'm not rooting for them. But if I was taking a line in Vegas, I'd take the Pats. You'd be nuts not to.

Sad news from (Old)England, as a giant robotic Jason Taylor has gone berserk in London and destroyed several city blocks; the robot has started several fires, due to it's inexplicable ability to shoot lasers from its eyes. Why the builders of the Jason Taylor Robot made it a weapon of mass destruction is beyond this writer, though JT himself has said on more than one occasion that a hit by Jason Taylor is a lot like getting "pasted upside your head by a SCUD missile, man." The irony is that if Mr. Taylor knew how inaccurate, unreliable, and outdated SCUD missiles are, he would not compare his play to them.

Six Months after Shooting, VA Tech Students Get on With Life

2007-10-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

Oct. 23rd, Blacksburg, VA

I spent the day in Blacksburg, Virginia yesterday. Though the six month anniversary of the Viginia Tech Massacre had been held only seven days before, people on campus simply want to forget the incident and move on with their lives.

"There isn't any pall on campus," said Chris, a member of the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity. "We're just trying to put that whole thing behind us...we want to forget all about that asshole (referring to shooter Seung-Hui Cho)."

One of his fraternity brothers also added, "We just had the six month anniversary, and there was a lot of stuff going on then, a lot of emotion on campus...other than that, it's business as usual."

Other people on campus expressed similar sentiments. One girl said that this school year was "no different" from the last...she has to do her assignments, study for long hours, write research papers, and still find to time to go out and party with her friends.

When asked if there were any special hopes riding on the football team, I got a similar answer to the questions I asked above. "No," said Nelson, another Lambda Chi Alpha member. "Maybe if we make a bowl game, then yeah, somebody will mention something. But I remember during the first [football] game, a bunch of people were holding up signs and trying to start a 'We are Virginia Tech' chant, like 'We Are Marshall,' and people really didn't like it. Whenever we hold up those signs now, we always say 'Let's Go Hokies,' instead."

This Thursday, the Hokies take on BC on National TV.

Despite the words of the students, one cannot help but notice the memorial, pictured at the top-right, that stands on the Virginia Tech Drillfield, as students refer to it. The memorial, which is an interim memorial until the formal display is completed, is a reminder that no matter how hard they try and want to let the horror of April 16th fade away from memory, some pain takes longer than six months to heal.

Popular Super-Hero Admits to Doping, Millions of Fans Shamed World Wide

2007-10-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

Oct. 19, Central City

In a shocking announcement today from the steps of Central Municipal Courthouse, the Flash admitted that he used steroids in the past.

"From 1994 until 2001, I ingested several substances commonly viewed as anabolic steroids. I also used HGH. I am deeply ashamed, and I ask for forgiveness during this trying time as I wait whatever punishment is coming," said Wally West, the man better known as the Flash in Central City.

West has been a fixture of the super-hero world for years. First entering the public sphere in 1975 at the age of 10, when he became Kid Flash, sidekick to his predecessor and uncle, Barry Allen. In 1985, after Allen's death, West took over as the Flash for good, making his identity public and going on to battle the likes of Professor Zoom and Savitar, earning him an adoring fan base.

However, allegations of steroid abuse surfaced in 1996, when West's powers noticeably increased even though he was far past super-hero prime age (at 31, West was practically a dinosaur). West, when he took over for Allen in 1985, could never run at the unbelievable speeds achieved by his uncle, and was limited to the speed of sound for years. However, in 1995, after a particularly vicious encounter with Professor Zoom, West's speed seemed to increase unnaturally, to the point where he was Allen's equal in speed.

At the time, West attributed his newfound speed to the discovery of the Speed Force, which scientists working at the CDC accidentally found in 1994 while trying to find a cure for the clap. The Speed Force is an extra dimensional energy force that certain individuals can access to run at great speeds. Deion Sanders was thought to have accessed the Speed Force on at least one occasion, two if you count while sober.

West also claimed that a super-hero psychologist had told him in '93 that his apparent inability to break the sound barrier and run at the speed of light was due to his fear of replacing Allen in the public eye.

Apparently not fast enough to outrun his past, the Flash's lies have caught up to him.

"I'm deeply sorry to anyone whom I've caused pain with my lies," said a recalcitrant West. "I have embarrassed myself, my fans, my family, and the legacy of the Flash."

During the hearing, the State Senator held up several bottles and syringes and asked the Flash to identify them. The proceedings went as follows:

Senator: "Mr. West, could you identify this bottle?"

West: HGH, sir.
Senator: And this one?
West: Standard anabolic steroids.
Senator: And this one?
West: Octopus Sterilizer.

It went on. Though Barry Allen passed away in 1985, the original Flash, Jay Garrick, whose aging process was artificially slowed down in the 60's due to exposure to nerve gas, had this to say about the situation.

"It's a damn shame, sure. I just don't understand it. Wally was a good kid, he didn't need steroids. In my day, we didn't need anything to make us faster. We went out, caught the bad guys, then went to the bar and got drunk. Maybe if it was a really bad day, you went home and smacked around the wife a little. But we weren't shooting any squid semen into our asses. I'm embarrassed at Wally, but more so is the fact that I'm embarrassed for him. He was a damn fine hero; he didn't need to cheat like this."

As a result of his doping, all criminals apprehended by West have been set free, including Professor Zoom, who murdered Allen's wife, and Zoom, who forced West to watch the worst moment of his life over and over again.

West will return to his residence in Central City until a sentence is handed down. He could face up to two years in prison if the maximum penalty is enforced.

Animals Protest Use of Image On Sports Teams

2007-10-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

Miami, FL - Yesterday, a group of disgruntled dolphins marched (waddled) through the streets to protest the usage of dolphin-related images on Miami's pro football team. The aquatic mammals said they were inspired by similar protests by Native Americans towards the Washington Redskins and the Cleveland Indians. "It's just simply a case of being represented fairly. Look at their helmets. That dolphin just looks gay, plain and simple," said Mr. Jingles, a resident of Sea World Miami and one of the organizers of the protest.

When asked about the situation, representatives of the Miami Dolphins football organization had various responses. "Boy, those dolphins sure are adorable!" said one scout, as he tossed some fish into the marching crowd. Others had less cute takes on the situation. "It's a matter of pride," head coach Cam Cameron said, "The Dolphins are, statistically, the most successful football franchise in the NFL. Ever. We even went undefeated once. You'd think these dolphins would be proud of that. Then again, we are talking about mammals that never figured out to get out of the damn ocean when we were all evolving. I guess this is to be expected from such a lame animal. I'd love to change our mascots. Dolphins are gay as shit. You think the Bears or the Lions are scared when they hear the Dolphins are coming to town? What are we gonna do, squeek at them until they die of laughter? C'mon."

The actual dolphins themselves bristled at the accusations from Cameron. "Jesus, he called us 'lame animals?' Are you kidding? I ought to shatter every bone in his body with my adorable little bottle nose! Doesn't he know that we murder our own young if they displease us? And that we practice murdering on porpoises during the year, so our killing skills are top notch during birthing season? Coach Cameron better not get in the water any time soon," said one particularly vicious dolphins, Clappy. Clappy's mate, Laffy, was gentler than her boyfriend. "I just wish that Coach Cameron knew what it was like to have people gawking at you all the time, expecting you to perform tricks for 3-day old fish. I suppose the players know what that's like," but then Clappy interjected "Oh come on, honey, they get paid millions of dollars, all we get is some college dropout giving us a spongebath once a week. Not to mention that those players take our hormones and shoot them into their asses to get better. A little consideration!" Laffy smiled, and apologized for Clappy's anger. "Some people fed him anchovies yesterday instead of mackerel. He's been in a bad mood ever since, not to mention he's had the farts something fierce."

Fierce indeed. This is SpedRex, live in Miami!

New Studies Show Crime Does, in fact, Pay

2007-10-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

A new study conducted by MIT has shown that crime pays. In fact, it pays very well.

More than 70 mobsters from various mobs, including Russian, Italian, Jewish, and Hispanic, were polled to find out how much they made in a given week. The study showed that gang members and mobsters made anywhere from $5k-$10k per week, all untaxed, and all in cash. Except, of course, for the little-known gang of accountants, who declare all their earnings and demand that payment is made in the form of a cashier's check.

Normal, hard-working Americans, like yourself (not me, I don't work hard at all), don't make that much. So, if you really want a payday, why not strap yourself and go down to the local street corner and extort some of the businesses that populate it? It's an easy job; all you need is a gun and five of your buddies to start up a business. Then, you watch the cash roll in.

There are those who say that crime does not pay, like Scruff McGruff, the anti-crime watchdog. Just goes to show you how much a guy who had his nuts chopped off to prevent him from humping witnesses knows about crime, huh?

Also, crime is a way of life. It's an American way of life. This country was founded by criminals (well, to be fair, criminals and a bunch of bowler-hatted queers who called themselves "puritans") and those criminals fought as dirty as they could to steal this country away from the Indians, and then they fought even dirtier when their own government tried to *gasp* tax their ill gotten gains. So go out and start criming, people! If you don't, you must either hate America, or freedom in general.

California Given New Opportunity to Showcase High Percentage of Jerks

2007-10-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

The State of California has sure had it rough for some time now.

California, like Texas, enjoys placing itself on a pedastal that is (in their opinion) above other states in the union. However, as we have come to find out, California and its people are not better than the rest of us. In fact, it seems to be the case that California, like Texas, is now leading the nation in the number of jerks that reside in state.

Californians wonder why the rest of the country thinks that they have lost touch with everyone else in America. How were you guys founded again? By the gold-rush. What type of person is lured away from their home into the wilderness on promises of getting rich quick? Jerks. Jerks do things like that. 'Nuff said. However, California, if you really need any more proof that there are just too many jerks in your state, let's do a brief recap:

1967-1975 - Ronald Reagan, a crappy actor, is made governor.

1994 - OJ Simpson trial debacle begins. Jerk Judge Lance Ito uses trial to get himself on tv. Renowned jerks Marcia Wallace and Chris Darden fail to put a murderer behind bars when the legendary jerks known as the LAPD cheat, which in turn offends the delicate moral sensibilities of the jerks making up the jury.

2002 - Proven jerk Gray Davis wins gubernatorial race against proven-to-be incompetent jerk Bill Simon ( I mean, you must be a jerk if you can't beat the jerk who loses to Arnold Schwarzenegger.)

2003 - Jerks in California realize what a jerk Davis is and successfully stage a jerky recall. The people who announce their candidacy for the job include such jerks as: Angelyne, a self-made billboard celebrity/jerk, Gary Coleman, an actor who is hilarious, but not on purpose, pornstar Marey Carey, who's greatest gubernatorial credentials are her right and left breast, scumbag and wheelchair bound jerk Larry Flynt, female jerk Arianna Huffington, and annoying washed-up comedian jerk Leo Gallagher, best known for, in classic jerk fashion, smashing watermelons at his stand-up shows. Hilarious.

2003 - Oh yeah, the jerks in California voted in The Terminator as their governor. Better that than some idiot named Cruz Bustamante, huh?

2007 - Yet another jerk of a judge allows tv cameras into yet another high profile California murder case. Later on, the jerks on the jury (probably the same jerks who couldn't convict OJ), could not reach a decision whether or not the man in the picture up top did it or not. This time around, they're giving the jerks two chances to blow it, not just one. California will have another crack at this case, and I'm sure that jerks are lining up to get on the jury for that one. God I hope it's on tv. It's going to be like watching one generation of jerks stepping aside so the new one can start screwing things up all over again.