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Merry Christmas from SpedRex
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
It's Christmas day, and the town is covered in...sunlight? GODDAMN GLOBAL WARMING!! SCREWING UP WHITE CHRISTMAS!
Anyways, it is Christmas day, no matter how warm it is outside, and all across the globe, children are just beginning to feel the effects of the high levels of lead in the toys they receive from Santa Claus. In honor of this wondrous holiday, let me tell of the history behind the tale of Christmas.
The tale of Christmas begins a fucking long time ago in this town called Nazareth, which I believe was named after the Scottish power rock band Nazareth (remember the song Love Hurts?) There, in a barn (or manger, as they called it back in the old days) a little baby boy was born to the family of Joseph and Mary Christberg; they named their son Jesus, after the word that Mary kept screaming as she was trying to push the 8-pound baby out of her.
Jesus Christberg was a carefree, but overweight, child, who didn't have much time for things like fighting in the Roman legion, or helping his father gather food so they could survive in the stinking desert they lived in, but he was extremely pious, and also could play a mean version of "Stairway." As he matured, he found that he could play basketball, and he, in the first of his many great deeds that would reverberate through the history of mankind, gave birth to the phrase "basketball Jesus."
After graduating from Caesar U (Jerusalem Campus), he turned down several offers from pro teams to devote his life to speaking the word of god. Now, like most wealthy yet bored post-college jewish boys, Christberg was, to put it mildly, a liberal commie hippie. So, in speaking the word of God, he came up with such loony ideas as "love," "kindness," "tolerance," and of course, "helping the poor." The helping the poor clause really pissed off everybody else, specifically the Romans, who decided to not invite Jesus to their annual "We rule the World, no, seriously" end of the year party.
Around this time, he shortened his name to Jesus Christ and started his first band, the Acolytes (although they changed their name to the Apostles after switching labels.) During this period of his life, he went around the land, wearing his beloved Che Guevara t-shirt, performing miracles (mostly card tricks.)
Eventually, the Romans and the priests in charge (yes, who were Jewish), decided that Jesus was becoming a threat and so they had him crucified, whereby one is nailed to a cross and forced to listen to Hillary Clinton explain her healthcare plan.
Now, here's where some people disagree on what happened next. Some say that:
a) Jesus, who really was the son of god (and therefore God), came back to life, proving that he was the messiah.
b) Did what all other dead guys do: lie in the ground and rot.
I have no idea what happend, because I was not there. I will say that as all people in all ages since the dawn of monotheism have thought they were living in the end days, it must have been awful to be one of Jesus' followers right after his death. Every day you'd be saying, "He's coming back today. I can feel it."
No matter how the story ends, and seeing as how the death asteroid is going to be here in 20 years, it probably ends badly, I think we can all thank Jesus for his contributions to the worlds, and all agree that he probably was/is right about his idea that people should help others, while we can all also agree that Christmas music, with the exception of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, really sucks.
Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!
9:09 AM
Comments:I have never heard that story before. It makes Jesus look a lot cooler than the Roman-Catholic church portrays.
I love the fact that Christmas really isn't real. I love the myths encasing it. I love Ed.
posted by 
Frisco
December 30, 2007 8:38 AM